A Chrysalis of Sorts: Coping and Covid-19
By Chava Kuchar
Recently, I read an article where the Australian writer lamented about the difficulties of navigating Covid and returning to normalcy. I scoffed. I found the article very hard to take seriously. Although it promoted an awareness of the taxing nature of lockdowns on one’s mental health and their ongoing contribution to rising rate of fear and anxiety in the public, I felt it was not possible to compare Australia’s collective 1400 hours or so lockdown versus my country’s 14 months. So… we win. We get the right to lament. Not her. Right?
Wrong. I needed to remind myself that every single person’s experience has been entirely different. From the way people have felt about the pandemic, to the way they have coped with it, to whom they had to consider when thinking about navigating it. Admittedly, despite all these burdens, I have been a happy, self-assured, anxiety-ridden teacher-mother one hundred per cent of the time. One hundred, per cent, of the time.
I have tried to maintain as much normalcy as possible for my family, but there is nothing normal about birthing a baby in Covid-19 conditions and then spending the next 14 months homeschooling said baby and the rest of my kids because you can’t rely on your government, or wider community to behave in the best interest of those at risk. And all of this was my life for a full year before the vaccine was even a topic of discussion, or to some, a debate.
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Two months later, my husband and I are fully vaccinated; we even have the choice to vaccinate our soon to be 12-year-old son for his birthday. Additonally, our kids have now been back at school for two full months, the regulation to wear masks in the classroom is up for discussion in the government (if even abided), and my eldest has even had two sleepaway camps for his graduating year. So even though I am forever waiting for the other shoe to drop, I will admit that we have achieved a new normal here in Israel.
And now, having caught up with that Australian writer’s reality, I have found that the most challenging part about this new normal has been negotiating people, the public and social expectations again. In her article, she insists that you need to “take your feelings seriously”, urging you to own them but not let them stop you from re-engaging in society again. For most, this will happen whether you are ready for it or not, and I can honestly say that two months, I am absolutely still not ready. I have grown very comfortable with my flexible work/ mum life, and I still prefer the comfort of my online cohort and friends. But ready or not, life is moving along, and I need to start moving with it, or I might start missing it.
As school holidays approach here are some of the things that are working for me and my anxieties- I share them in the hope that they will also serve you through this challenging time.
1) Permission to speak: If you need to speak about it, speak about it
As I said earlier, everyone’s experience has been different, and understandably, there are bound to be strong feelings and responses about all of this, but don’t let people shame you into censoring yourself or your feelings.
What’s better than small talk is the talk that actually matters- whether it’s questioning and processing new information, the pandemic, your day-to-day, the vaccine, your feelings and fears about all of the above; talk about it. Don’t let it fester, building in anxiety and resentment.
And if your people are not interested or in the right headspace to discuss this, find other people or even better than burdening a new relationship, find a therapist. If loyalty to your friends requires you to float above your thoughts and feelings, then perhaps these friendships are not serving you right now, and you need to find ones that do.
2) Normalize asking about other people’s vaccine status/ social status
These are choices, and what is comfortable for another person may not be comfortable for you. You need to protect your physical and emotional wellbeing, and if creating a barrier of social distance has been important to you, then you need to control what little you can, and that includes the people that you let into your space right now.
I am not encouraging you to judge or ignore your friends, family or colleagues who have maintained a social life or chosen not to vaccinate. But I am encouraging you to protect yourself, and you can only do that when you are armed with all the information you need to make the choices that are right for you.
When I first started asking, it was hard; it felt awkward and invasive, I even felt a little embarrassed that I put so much emphasis on something so few others did, but I persevered because I knew it was the only way I could calmly move forward, and now it feels much more normal. I like to phrase it in a way where I explicitly reveal that we have taken social distancing very seriously due to our baby and our older cousins and that we only socialize with those who vaccinate at the moment. Generally, no one can argue with that and have always been forthcoming, and we thank them for their understanding regardless of the answer.
3) Speaking about choices- own yours!
This is a pandemic; defined as “an epidemic occurring worldwide, or over a very wide area, crossing international boundaries and usually affecting a large number of people”. It is, by definition, bigger than us individually.
Whether you like to admit it or not, we live in a society, and we need to behave in accordance with that. It's not about us in the individual sense, it's about us in the holistic sense- it's about our elderly, our at-risk or those with compromised immunity, the most susceptible; our kids, our teachers, doctors and nurses. It's about those essential workers in society that keep it moving, propelling us forward despite reality pulling us down. It's about those who can't afford to stop working or those who are unemployed right now uncertain where their next paycheck will come from.
Whilst it’s now a topic of great debate, we are all just trying to do our best and make the best choices for ourselves and our families, but I urge you to trust the facts, trust the statistics, trust your instincts and choose to vaccinate. And if you don’t, then respect the guidelines and maintain social distance so that you don’t promote the spread of a deadly virus.
4) Permission to say ‘no’
You can say no to social arrangements, you can even cancel them!
This should always be the case, but it isn’t, and the ongoing pressure to see people and participate has not dissipated like I had hoped it would. It has perhaps become even more potent now that people find themselves out again and ready to mingle.
The most common response I get from people these days is the passive-aggressive “oh, look who has finally emerged”, or “I haven’t seen you in ages…like over a year now”. As if it was a personal choice to bunker down and social distance, but no, I refuse to be shamed for choosing to look out for my family and myself.
So trust me when I tell you that I have barely enough energy to keep a smile on my face, let alone negotiate the unimaginable all while ensuring that I don’t blow up on my family regularly. And trust me when I say what little of it is left is not going to be for you. Full stop. It is for me, and me alone, because I need to keep afloat for my family, and I have given all I can give without drowning. It’s not personal, it's survival.
5) Write it down
I hope that soon, you too will soon see a lowering infection rate and gain a sense that life is recovering. But understand that regardless of the stats there is still bound to be an ongoing sense of dread and anxiety for a while. So whether it is about a resurgence of cases, general social anxiety, or that post meet-up drag that I like to call social fatigue, its ok, it’s even expected.
Naturally, when catching up with people you have not seen in over a year, there is a tendency for better or worse to circle back to what you have known for the last year. It’s a habit that I am personally trying to break, but because I hate small talk, I have had little chance to practice. So to deal with this I have started journaling again. It has been helping me to consciously process my thoughts, and formulate my opinions in a pressure free environment.
Stay safe, stay distant, stay healthy x Chav